WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump’s planned 250-foot triumphal arch will reportedly serve as a military complex capable of housing drones and snipers.

The Canton Cat has learned what the drones are actually for.

BIG MAC AIR SUPPORT.

Yes, America’s newest monument will secretly double as the world’s most heavily fortified fast-food court, featuring multiple restaurants, airborne delivery squadrons, and enough fryer capacity to make the Pentagon smell like hash browns until 2047.

At the center of the complex:

MCDONALD’S COMMAND.

Trump reportedly demanded the restaurant occupy the most strategically important section of the arch, directly underneath a giant golden sign reading:

SERVING LIBERTY UNTIL 2 A.M.

The Canton Cat reviewed the blueprints.

“France got the Arc de Triomphe,” he said. “America gets a drive-thru with surface-to-air nuggets.”

The upper levels will house hundreds of delivery drones capable of deploying hamburgers anywhere in the capital within four minutes.

Military terminology has already been updated accordingly.

EAGLE ONE: Big Mac.

EAGLE TWO: Quarter Pounder.

BLACK HAWK: 20-piece McNuggets.

DEFCON 1: Somebody forgot the fries.

The most secure room in the entire facility will reportedly contain the Strategic Filet-O-Fish Reserve, protected behind three blast doors, retinal scanners and an elderly McDonald’s employee named Linda who does not tolerate bullshit.

Other restaurants will also operate inside the arch.

Taco Bell will occupy the southern bunker.

Chick-fil-A gets Sundays off from national defense.

Wendy’s will handle psychological warfare on X.

Arby’s requested space but Pentagon officials reportedly said:

“We have enough threats.”

The arch’s sniper positions will be converted during lunch hours into precision condiment stations.

Highly trained specialists will monitor Washington through scopes and whisper:

“Target acquired.”

“Wind three knots.”

“Range 600 yards.”

“Customer requested extra barbecue sauce.”

THWIP.

Perfect delivery.

The Canton Cat applauded.

“At last, defense spending I can taste.”

An enormous subterranean bunker beneath the monument will store emergency national supplies:

12 million hamburger buns.

400 tons of frozen fries.

Enough ketchup packets to completely bury Delaware.

Two working McFlurry machines.

The last item alone has triggered congressional hearings because scientists previously believed such technology was impossible.

Trump will reportedly maintain a private Presidential Drive-Thru lane allowing the motorcade to enter the structure without stopping.

Secret Service code phrase:

“PACKAGE IS HUNGRY.”

The motorcade enters.

Forty-seven seconds later:

Two Big Macs.

Large fries.

Diet Coke.

Pie.

America continues functioning.

The delivery system will be equally sophisticated.

Tourists standing near the Lincoln Memorial will simply open an app, select their meal and watch as a military-grade quadcopter screams across the Potomac carrying lunch beneath it.

A robotic voice announces:

“YOUR FREEDOM FRIES ARE APPROACHING.”

Children cheer.

Bald eagles circle overhead.

Somewhere, France becomes uncomfortable.

Naturally, Washington residents have raised concerns about hundreds of hamburger drones sharing heavily controlled airspace near Reagan National Airport.

The administration’s solution is simple:

Paint tiny American flags on them.

Problem solved.

The FAA cannot shoot down patriotism.

The Canton Cat has already submitted plans for his own restaurant inside the complex:

CANTON CAT’S TACTICAL SEAFOOD

Menu items include:

Operation Tuna Storm

Shock & Paw Calamari

Seal Team Six-Piece Shrimp

Freedom Sardines

And the signature meal:

The Dumpster Deluxe

No plate.

No napkin.

Just throw it behind the arch.

The Cat also demanded his own drone fleet.

Management refused.

He stole three.

Construction crews are reportedly preparing one final feature at the very top of the arch:

A gigantic illuminated pair of golden arches visible from Virginia.

Not the architectural kind.

The McDonald’s kind.

Below them, carved permanently into stone:

GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR HUNGRY, YOUR PEOPLE WHO FORGOT TO ORDER FRIES.

At press time, Washington officials were desperately trying to determine whether the building should be classified as a monument, military installation, food court, airport or extremely aggressive DoorDash location.

The Canton Cat already knows.

“It’s America, baby.”

Then a drone dropped a McNugget directly into his mouth.

Mission accomplished.