LOS ANGELES — A routine online dating match reportedly escalated into a one-man federal manhunt this week after a woman stopped responding to a man she met on eHarmony, prompting him to locate her phone number, identify her occupation, and deliver the romantic equivalent of a hostage-negotiation closing statement.

The man, identified in the screenshots as “John,” apparently decided that being unmatched was not a rejection.

It was a research assignment.

Within moments, he had allegedly located the woman’s number through his work as a realtor, texted her directly, complimented her appearance, asked her age, requested social media access and then, after being blocked again, returned from another number with what experts are calling:

The Gettysburg Address of Not Taking a Hint.

The message began by explaining that he was confused.

Naturally.

Nothing says “emotionally stable dating prospect” like circumventing a block to submit a 300-word appellate brief titled WHY YOU OWE ME A PHONE CALL.

According to the screenshot, John eventually moved from “you are incredibly beautiful” to insults about her age and appearance.

A remarkable pivot.

In less than 24 hours, she apparently went from looking 30 to being an ancient hideous swamp creature because she declined to speak with him.

Scientists are now studying the phenomenon, known as Male Rejection Accelerated Aging Syndrome, in which a woman can age 37 years in under six minutes simply by saying “no thanks.”

The National Association of Realtors has reportedly added a new continuing-education course:

MLS 401: Properties, Boundaries, and Why Customer Databases Are Not Tinder Premium.

Module One:

If she blocks you, stop.

Module Two:

No, really.

Module Three:

Finding a second phone number does not mean destiny wants you to try again.

John reportedly defended his investigative methods by explaining that he is “a realtor so it wasn’t hard finding your contact.”

Wonderful.

Nothing makes a woman feel safer than discovering her dating-app match has access to enough public-record machinery to locate her before appetizers.

The Canton Cat reviewed the correspondence and reached a professional conclusion:

Sir, you were not ghosted.

You were evicted.

The property is unavailable.

The listing has been removed.

Do not contact the seller.

And for the love of Fancy Feast, stop doing skip traces because somebody didn’t like your profile.