BUFFALO — The NFL reportedly opened Thursday Night Football at the new Bills stadium by handing out prayer mats at every seat and playing the national anthems of Yemen, Somalia, Canada and the United States before kickoff.

Because apparently football wasn’t bureaucratic enough.

The Canton Cat checked the ticket.

It said:

BILLS VS. LIONS

Not:

MODEL U.N. WITH CONCESSIONS.

League officials reportedly said the expanded ceremony was meant to honor growing demographics in the communities NFL teams represent.

Translation:

Nobody came here for this, but a consultant made a PowerPoint.

By the time the fourth anthem ended, half the stadium had forgotten who was playing and the other half had qualified for dual citizenship.

Josh Allen reportedly looked at the clock and asked:

“Are we kicking off tonight or applying for passports?”

One imaginary NFL executive explained:

“We want every community to feel represented.”

Perfect.

Now nobody feels like they’re at a football game.

The league’s new pregame format reportedly includes:

Prayer mat distribution

Multinational anthem rotation

Cultural recognition

Community acknowledgments

A weather delay caused by everyone still standing

and, time permitting,

football.

Buffalo fans were initially confused because their traditional pregame ritual already existed.

It was called:

parking lot.

It involved folding tables, beer and questionable orthopedic decisions.

Simple.

Beautiful.

American.

Now apparently you need an international-relations degree to get through player introductions.

Future NFL plans reportedly include tailoring ceremonies to each market.

Detroit will honor every country represented by the auto supply chain.

Miami will just begin games at customs.

Seattle will conduct a 45-minute seminar before the coin toss.

And Washington will require fans to file Form NFL-27B before being allowed to boo.

The Canadian anthem, at least, made geographic sense.

Buffalo can practically smell Canada.

The Canton Cat was less certain when the ceremony expanded farther overseas.

“At this rate, kickoff happens after the Uzbekistan remix.”

The Lions reportedly spent so long waiting on the sideline that one assistant coach completed an online master’s degree.

Officials then announced the coin toss.

That was delayed too.

The league had not yet determined whether using an American quarter would sufficiently reflect the community.

At press time, the NFL was considering expanding halftime to include 38 additional national observances and a keynote titled:

“Why You’re Racist for Asking When the Game Starts.”

The Canton Cat finally walked out.

“Wake me when the NFL remembers its fastest-growing demographic is people tired of this crap.”