WALDORF, Md. — A Fort Washington woman is accused of punching a store employee in the face, fighting another worker, then returning with a handgun after getting angry about the wait at a store in Smallwood Village Center. Authorities say a second register had already been opened for her before the confrontation escalated.

The Canton Cat reviewed the sequence.

“So they opened another register and she still upgraded to aggravated checkout?”

Beautiful.

Retail has apparently reached its final form.

Not:

“Can I speak to a manager?”

But:

“Can I speak to ballistics?”

According to the sheriff’s office, the woman allegedly punched the first employee, got into a brief fist fight, left, then came back displaying a blue-and-black pistol. She was later identified in part because she had left her wallet and cellphone on the counter.

The Canton Cat almost respected the commitment to chaos.

Almost.

“You allegedly brought a gun back to the store and left your ID behind? That’s not criminal mastermind behavior. That’s self-checkout for detectives.”

The retail industry has spent years experimenting with self-checkout, mobile pay, curbside pickup, and app-based ordering.

Maryland apparently skipped ahead to:

EXPRESS LANE — 10 ITEMS OR FEWER FELONIES.

Employees are now reportedly reviewing updated customer-service scripts:

“Sorry for the wait.”

“Another register is opening.”

“Please do not punch Kevin.”

“Please do not return armed.”

“Also, ma’am, your wallet is still here.”

Authorities say the woman faces first-degree assault, weapons violations, and related charges. She was released the next day on electronic monitoring.

The Canton Cat stared at that last part.

Then stared harder.

“Nothing says ‘lesson learned’ like ankle jewelry before dinner.”

At press time, Maryland retailers were reportedly considering a new loyalty program:

Spend $100, earn 500 points.
Threaten staff, earn a court date.
Leave your phone behind, earn complimentary identification by police.