BALTIMORE — Gov. Wes Moore is promoting Black Men’s Wellness Day in Baltimore, prompting non-Black men across Maryland to ask the obvious question:

“So… when do we get checked?”

The Sept. 26 event will offer screenings, health resources, and wellness support, while every other male demographic has reportedly been handed a brochure reading:

“Best of luck, champ.”

White men immediately asked whether there would be a separate event.

Asian men asked if they were on another flyer.

Latino men checked three websites.

Mixed-race men were told to please select one option from the dropdown menu.

And one guy from Dundalk reportedly just yelled, “MY BACK HURTS TOO.”

State officials stressed the event is focused on addressing specific disparities and community needs.

This explanation satisfied approximately everyone until government communications somehow made it sound like health itself had become a members-only club.

“Preventive care is important,” one confused Maryland dad said. “Apparently I just need to wait until my demographic gets a Tuesday.”

Organizers are now considering future events including:

Men Who Also Have Blood Pressure Day

Guys Whose Insurance Sucks Morning

Dads Who Haven’t Seen a Doctor Since 2018 Weekend

and the highly anticipated:

Everybody’s Falling Apart, Come On Down Festival

At press time, Canton Cat confirmed the most inclusive men’s wellness program remains sitting behind a dumpster, staring into the middle distance, and saying:

“Yeah, something definitely hurts.”