WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party’s online propaganda department appears to have discovered its Woodward and Bernstein.

Unfortunately, he brought a selfie stick.

Matt Rein, a DNC digital operative whose job involves helping shape Democratic online messaging, has been stomping around Washington filming breathless videos about the Reflecting Pool like he just uncovered Watergate II: Revenge of the Puddle.

Apparently the republic now hangs on whether the big rectangle of water near Lincoln looks sufficiently moisturized.

In one clip, Rein treated damage around the pool like he had personally stumbled onto Chornobyl with an iPhone.

Critics pointed out that storm damage had played a role.

This distinction apparently ruined the exciting narrative that Donald Trump had personally snuck out at 3 a.m., drained the pool, kicked over the fencing and salted the earth.

But why let weather interfere with content?

The DNC has elections to lose.

Rein’s whole routine has the unmistakable energy of a neighborhood Facebook dad who sees a fallen trash can and immediately posts:

“WHAT ARE THEY NOT TELLING US?”

Except this guy has political backing.

Outstanding.

The Democratic Party apparently looked at its current problems and assigned resources accordingly:

Border?

Later.

Crime?

Complicated.

Cost of living?

Needs a focus group.

Young voters abandoning the party?

Get back to us.

Reflecting Pool looks weird? DEPLOY MATT.

Within minutes, Rein is on location in athletic wear, squinting into his camera like Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone’s vault.

“Folks, I’m here at the Reflecting Pool.”

Yes, Matt.

We can see that.

Congratulations on finding the largest puddle in Washington without congressional approval ratings floating in it.

His social feed reportedly features a steady stream of dramatic political videos, meaning somewhere at DNC headquarters an adult looked at this and said:

“Yes. More guy walking around yelling into his phone. That’s how we win Pennsylvania.”

Journalism schools should probably shut down immediately.

Why spend four years learning sourcing, verification, and public-records law when you can just become a partisan operative, put AirPods in, find some landscaping damage, and announce:

“I have remaining questions.”

I have remaining questions too.

Mainly:

Who keeps charging the phone?

As a stray cat, I’ve conducted more rigorous investigations behind a Royal Farms dumpster.

When I find garbage scattered everywhere, I consider multiple hypotheses.

Raccoons.

Wind.

Teenagers.

Chris Van Hollen looking for charisma.

I don’t immediately film myself screaming that democracy has collapsed.

The funniest part is that this is supposedly part of Democrats’ answer to conservative new media.

Republicans built podcasts, independent outlets, and massive online personalities.

The DNC responded with:

“What if we hired a hall monitor with Instagram?”

Brilliant.

At press time, Rein was reportedly preparing his next explosive investigation after discovering the Washington Monument casts a suspiciously long shadow when the sun is low.

Sources say the DNC has already drafted the headline:

TRUMP DARKENS NATIONAL MALL.