ANN ARBOR, MI — Terps USA has apparently expanded beyond terpene sprays and into Big Ten clock management, helping Michigan defeat Western Michigan Saturday night by spraying the final seconds with enough weed science to make time itself slow down.

Michigan appeared finished.

Western Michigan had survived the Wolverines’ desperation Hail Mary.

The clock showed:

0:00.

Game over.

Broncos win.

Everybody go home.

Then officials reviewed the play and somehow discovered one additional second hiding behind the couch cushions of space-time.

Michigan got another snap.

Bryce Underwood launched another Hail Mary.

JJ Buchanan caught it for a 47-yard touchdown.

Michigan won 13-12. (The Washington Post)

Naturally, investigators immediately began asking the obvious question:

Who sprayed the clock?

The Canton Cat has learned absolutely nothing because he is a cat, but nevertheless concluded the prime suspect is Terps USA, the cannabis company currently fighting the University of Maryland over use of the word “Terps.”

Terps USA sells terpene sprays.

Michigan needed more time.

Michigan and Maryland are Big Ten rivals.

Folks, connect the dots.

According to the Canton Cat’s completely unlicensed reconstruction, a mysterious hand emerged from Section 37 with a bottle marked:

TERP SPRAY — CLOCK STRETCH OG

Effects may include relaxation, citrus notes, and approximately one additional second of regulation football.

Officials originally believed the game had ended before replay revealed the clock had apparently gotten so high it forgot what number came after one.

The Big Ten later explained that Western Michigan defender Micah Davis touched the ball from out of bounds with one second remaining, which stopped the clock. The conference released synchronized replay footage defending the ruling. (ESPN.com)

Sure.

“Synchronized replay footage.”

That is exactly what Big Terpene wants you to believe.

Western Michigan players had already begun celebrating.

Michigan fans were preparing to spend the next eight months explaining why losing as a 27½-point favorite was actually an advanced rebuilding strategy.

Then somebody misted the Big House with Limonene Last-Second Reserve™ and suddenly:

0:00 became 0:01.

Western Michigan coach Lance Taylor said he believed the clock had already passed zero before the ball was touched.

Michigan coach Kyle Whittingham believed there was still a second remaining.

NBC rules analyst Terry McAulay questioned how officials reached the decision based on what appeared on the broadcast. (CBS Sports)

Meanwhile, Terps USA reportedly celebrated the publicity opportunity by immediately developing several new products:

Hail Mary Haze
Adds one play when applied directly to scoreboard.

Instant Replay Indica
Makes four minutes of officiating review feel like six hours.

Big Ten Blue Dream
Causes users to believe conference officials are definitely going to clear everything up.

Clock Kush
Slows time precisely when your team desperately needs it.

And the premium:

Western Michigan Widow
Side effects include nausea, disbelief, and screaming “THE GAME WAS OVER!” at your television.

The situation is especially awkward because Terps USA is already feuding with Maryland over the Terps name — Maryland meaning Terrapins, while the cannabis industry commonly uses “terps” as shorthand for terpenes.

So while Maryland tries to stop Terps USA from using the word, Terps USA has now allegedly helped one of Maryland’s Big Ten rivals.

That escalated quickly.

UMD lawyers are reportedly drafting an emergency cease-and-desist demanding Terps USA immediately stop:

1. Using TERPS
2. Spraying Michigan Stadium
3. Manipulating the space-time continuum
4. Providing conference rivals with unauthorized aromatic clock extensions

The letter should arrive sometime before the trademark renewal deadline.

Probably.

At press time, Terps USA denied slowing down the clock, noting that if its products could actually manufacture extra seconds, UMD might want to buy a bottle next time a federal trademark filing is due.

The Canton Cat recommends the family size. 🐈