COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland has threatened a cannabis company over use of the word “Terps,” after discovering the company had committed the unforgivable offense of noticing a trademark UMD itself forgot to maintain.

The university’s old TERPS registration was canceled after Maryland missed a required renewal filing.

Yes.

The university missed the deadline.

The same institution that will absolutely torch your GPA because Blackboard says your paper arrived at 12:01 a.m.

Apparently professors enforce deadlines.

Trademark lawyers just chill and vibe.

For nearly three years, UMD’s intellectual-property strategy was essentially:

“Eh, somebody probably handled it.”

Then Terps USA showed up using “terps” in connection with cannabis and terpenes, and suddenly College Park transformed into the Navy SEALs of paperwork.

Cease-and-desist letters flew.

Lawyers mobilized.

Administrators discovered calendars.

A printer was even turned on.

University officials reportedly argued consumers could confuse marijuana products with the Maryland Terrapins.

Which is ridiculous.

Everyone knows the easiest way to distinguish the two is that marijuana occasionally produces a good bowl.

UMD reportedly obtained a new trademark registration and immediately began behaving like the guy who leaves his lawn mower on the curb for three years, then tackles you when you pick it up.

Legal experts have dubbed the maneuver:

“Oops, Mine.”

Students were particularly impressed.

“My professor docked me 20% because my citation format was wrong,” said one junior.

“But the university can apparently lose an entire federal trademark and just yell at a weed company until everything works out.”

Administrators defended the school.

“Maryland takes intellectual property very seriously,” one official said.

“Starting immediately after we remember we own it.”

The Canton Cat reviewed the case and found UMD guilty of one count of Failure To Submit Assignment, two counts of Administrative Clownery, and aggravated possession of Irony With Intent To Distribute.

Sentence:

Three years of mandatory Google Calendar notifications.

At press time, UMD was reportedly preparing a new campus policy requiring every student to renew the university’s trademarks before graduating.

Failure to complete the assignment by 11:59 p.m. will result in an automatic zero.

No exceptions.

Unless you’re the university.