LOS ANGELES — After years of livestreaming about capitalism, billionaires, labor exploitation, and why everyone else is doing society wrong, Hasan Piker has reportedly been hiding one devastating secret:

He’s an NFL cheerleader.

Not metaphorically.

Full uniform. Pom-poms. High kicks. The whole salary-cap-shaking catastrophe.

Sources close to a dumpster behind SoFi Stadium claim Piker disappears every Sunday, changes into sequins, and emerges screaming:

“SEIZE THE MEANS OF TOUCHDOWN PRODUCTION!”

The operation apparently went unnoticed for years because nobody questioned why a 6-foot-4 political streamer kept ordering industrial quantities of glitter and asking strangers whether his calves looked “game-day ready.”

Workers of the World, Form a Pyramid

Piker’s alleged routine reportedly begins with a fiery locker-room speech condemning billionaire NFL owners before immediately running onto the field to enthusiastically promote their multibillion-dollar entertainment product.

“This league represents grotesque concentrations of wealth,” Piker reportedly shouted before executing a flawless toe touch beneath a Bud Light advertisement.

At halftime, witnesses say he leads the squad in his signature cheer:

“GIVE ME AN S!”

“S!”

“GIVE ME AN O!”

“O!”

“WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?”

“SOCIALISM!”

Nobody has had the heart to explain the spelling problem.

The Revolution Will Be Choreographed

Team officials allegedly became suspicious after Piker repeatedly tried to unionize the mascot, nationalize the Gatorade cooler, and redistribute Patrick Mahomes jerseys according to need.

He also reportedly demanded that every touchdown be divided equally among both teams.

“Why should one team hoard six points?” Piker asked.

The NFL declined to comment, presumably because everyone in the league office was lying on the floor laughing.

Piker’s secret may finally explain why his political commentary occasionally involves so much arm movement.

Those weren’t gestures.

He was practicing the eight-count.

This story is satire. Hasan Piker is not known to be an NFL cheerleader. Unfortunately, the Canton Cat’s sources remain several raccoons and one deeply unreliable possum.