Political Party Animals — National Outrage Bureau
Baltimore, MD — In a stunning display of moral courage, Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-Wherever-The Cameras-Are) announced he is “demanding answers” after hearing rumors that illegal immigrants in federal custody might not be enjoying a fully catered resort experience during their stay in Charm City.
“My team has reached out to ICE repeatedly,” Van Hollen said, solemnly, as if revealing the death of a monarch. “And until we get clarity, we cannot rule out the possibility that these detainees were denied sparkling mineral water or free Wi-Fi.”
A Humanitarian Crisis of Unimaginable Scale
Sources familiar with the Senator’s thinking say the crisis ranks on par with:
- The Boston Tea Party
- The Spanish Flu
- The time Starbucks switched to paper straws
Meanwhile, the Senator has reportedly shown no interest in investigating any situation involving American citizens unless they are:
- Accused of owning a gun
- Driving a pickup truck
- Attempting to legally cross their own state line
“Citizens are notoriously not in the Senator’s base of concern,” one staffer confirmed. “A good humanitarian crisis requires foreign nationals, a complex grievance hierarchy, and ideally a Guardian article.”
Baltimore Residents Unclear Why They Exist
Local Baltimore residents expressed confusion, asking reporters whether they are still permitted to exist under the Senator’s ethical framework.
One resident, who requested anonymity due to fear of attracting political attention, asked, “So we pay taxes, get robbed, get our cars stolen, get robbed again, and we don’t even get a margarita?”
THE BIG PLAN: MARGARITA DIPLOMACY
Van Hollen reportedly floated the idea of a “Margaritas for Migrants” bill, which would provide:
- Frozen mango margaritas
- Complimentary chips & guac
- Therapy parrots for emotional comfort
The bill would be fully funded by actual taxpayers, whom the Senator will acknowledge again sometime around 2047.
ICE Under Fire for Not Running Disney World
The Senator emphasized that ICE needs to “answer for what we saw in that video,” specifically referring to the shocking revelation that detainees are not currently escorted through the facility by Disney cast members.
“It looked like a holding facility,” Van Hollen explained. “Not a Marriott. Not even a Courtyard Marriott. Totally unacceptable.”
Baltimore Holding Facility vs. Baltimore
Critics pointed out that being held in a Baltimore facility may objectively be safer than being released into actual Baltimore, a fact the Senator’s office declined to comment on, citing a need for further margarita-based deliberation.
A Closing Statement Worthy of History
“We will continue investigating,” Van Hollen concluded, “and update when we know more.”
Experts note that this is Washington code for “we will milk the outrage until the polls shift or a new scandal drops.”
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