FLORIDA — A Florida couple reportedly decided traditional drug dealing involved too much standing around in parking lots and not nearly enough customer-experience optimization.

So they allegedly cut a drive-thru window into their mobile home.

Because this is Florida, and apparently the War on Drugs now has curbside pickup.

Witnesses say the operation was so streamlined customers simply pulled up, rolled down the window and ordered like they were at Taco Bell.

“Welcome to Trailer King. You want the misdemeanor meal or the felony family pack?”

Customers could allegedly choose from:

Pickup.

Drive-thru.

Contactless delivery.

Police evidence locker.

The Canton Cat has obtained the business plan.

PHASE ONE: CUT HOLE IN TRAILER

PHASE TWO: SELL DRUGS THROUGH HOLE

PHASE THREE: FORBES 30 UNDER 30

Unfortunately, Phase Four was:

JAIL

Neighbors reportedly first noticed something unusual when cars began lining up at all hours.

One local initially assumed the couple had opened a breakfast window.

Then he noticed nobody was leaving with biscuits.

“Honestly, I thought it was a Checkers,” he said. “Then I realized Checkers has permits.”

The business allegedly offered several signature menu items:

The Florida Man Combo

The Probable Cause Platter

The DEA-Luxe

The Please Pull Forward While We Get a Warrant

And for only $3 more:

Make it a felony.

The mobile home itself reportedly underwent extensive renovations.

New window.

New counter.

New security camera.

Absolutely no zoning approval.

HGTV has already ordered a pilot:

FIXER UPPER: NARCOTICS EDITION

“Today we’re opening up this wall to create a brighter, more functional trafficking space.”

The couple also reportedly installed a handwritten sign:

NO SHIRT

NO SHOES

NO PROBLEM

NO UNDERCOVER COPS

Unfortunately, undercover cops are notoriously bad at respecting signage.

Business experts say the model had several advantages over traditional street dealing.

Low overhead.

Fast service.

Convenient parking.

And because it was a mobile home, technically the entire establishment could theoretically flee.

Unfortunately, investigators discovered the fatal flaw:

The trailer did not actually move.

Florida officials are now considering new regulations requiring mobile-home drug drive-thrus to post calorie counts, ADA accessibility information and a sign stating:

THIS FACILITY IS NOT AFFILIATED WITH WENDY’S.

Meanwhile, DoorDash reportedly attempted to acquire the company for $6.4 billion before lawyers explained several important concepts, including:

“controlled substance,”

“criminal enterprise,”

and

“no, seriously, stop emailing them.”

The couple’s loyalty program has also been suspended.

Customers reportedly earned:

10 points per purchase.

Double points Tuesdays.

Free appetizer after five felonies.

The sheriff’s department ultimately shut everything down, leaving a major hole in Florida’s late-night drive-thru market.

The abandoned window now sits empty.

A handwritten sign reportedly hangs beneath it:

SORRY, WE’RE CLOSED.

MANAGEMENT HAS BEEN RELOCATED.

The Canton Cat visited the property for an independent restaurant review.

Parking: excellent.

Service: allegedly quick.

Ambience: vinyl siding.

Legality: needs work.

Innovation: disturbingly impressive.

Florida: still undefeated.

And somewhere, a McDonald’s franchise owner is staring at the story thinking:

“Son of a bitch. They had faster service.”