BERLIN, Md. — Maryland State Police were reportedly called Tuesday morning after a woman walked into Walmart wearing a green shirt, gray underwear, and no pants, forcing employees to briefly consider whether this was an emergency or just the natural endpoint of Walmart fashion.

The caller requested a welfare check.

Fair enough.

Because there’s “casual,” there’s “I overslept,” and then there’s:

“I have legally separated from denim.”

The Canton Cat reviewed the report and had one question:

“Did nobody tell her Walmart already sells pants?”

The woman was reportedly last seen heading toward McDonald’s, meaning the morning itinerary was apparently:

1. Lose pants.
2. Enter Walmart.
3. Continue to McDonald’s.
4. Let society sort it out.

Honestly, that is commitment.

Authorities have not said why she was pantsless, though investigators are believed to be reviewing several possibilities:

laundry betrayal.

relationship fallout.

one hell of a Monday night.

the unstoppable confidence of someone who has already stopped caring what strangers think.

The Canton Cat, who is naked 24 hours a day and still carries himself with more dignity, was appalled.

“I don’t wear pants because I’m a cat. You people had a whole Industrial Revolution.”

Walmart officials are reportedly considering new signage:

WELCOME TO WALMART
ROLLBACKS EVERY DAY
EXPECTATIONS ALSO ROLLED BACK

McDonald’s has not commented on whether pants are required to order breakfast, though sources say the drive-thru remains the preferred option for anyone whose outfit has become a police matter.

At press time, troopers were checking on the woman’s welfare while nearby shoppers continued browsing as if a half-dressed person wandering toward a McGriddle was just another Tuesday in Worcester County.