ANNAPOLIS — Gov. Wes Moore reportedly suffered a catastrophic narrative malfunction Thursday after learning the lone juror preventing a Lindsay Clancy acquittal was a Black man.

Until that moment, incompetent Moore aides say the case had been safely filed under:

MENTAL HEALTH. COMPASSION. SYSTEMIC FAILURE. NEXT QUESTION.

Then somebody mentioned the holdout juror.

“Wait,” Moore allegedly said. “He’s what?”

Black.

Silence reportedly filled the room.

One staffer slowly closed the prepared statement.

Another opened a fresh Word document titled:

THIS HAS BECOME COMPLICATED.docx

Clancy’s trial ended in a mistrial after an 11-1 deadlock, with the lone holdout reportedly a Black man in his 30s.

Political consultants immediately recognized the emergency.

“You can’t just dismiss the lone dissenter now,” explained one flabbergasted strategist. “We’ve entered the dangerous intersection of Believe Women Boulevard and Listen to Black Men Avenue. There are no traffic lights.”

Moore’s imaginary communications team reportedly spent six hours determining which demographic should be listened to harder.

At one point, an intern suggested evaluating the evidence.

He was escorted from the building.

Officials eventually released a carefully calibrated statement:

“Every voice matters, especially whichever voice our polling says matters most by Tuesday.”

Asked whether the governor supported an acquittal, retrial, insanity finding, prosecution, compassion, accountability, criminal justice reform, maternal mental health advocacy, or the juror’s right to disagree, staff reportedly responded:

“Yes.”

At press time, Canton Cat had solved the controversy from atop a dumpster:

Maybe justice shouldn’t require checking everybody’s demographics before deciding whether their opinion counts.

Then I went back to licking myself, because apparently I’m running the adult table now.