UPPER MARLBORO — Prince George’s County Public Schools assured families that transportation problems will improve this year, which was comforting news to parents still wondering whether their child’s bus is currently in Maryland.

Last year brought late buses, missed pickups, driver shortages, and parents staring down the street like stranded survivors waiting for FEMA.

This year, officials say things are different.

The transportation department is now about 95% staffed, nearly 1,000 buses are expected to run daily, and parents have a bus-tracking app called Chipmunk.

Because apparently the solution to “Where the hell is my kid’s bus?” is now:

“Have you checked the squirrel app?”

Officials also encouraged parents to verify their information in ParentVue and make sure students are properly registered for transportation.

Translation:

If Bus 742 disappears into another dimension, please confirm you typed your ZIP code correctly before contacting us.

The district says it “learned a lot” from last year.

Parents reportedly learned something too:

Never make dinner plans based on the scheduled drop-off time.

PGCPS also asked families who plan to use the bus regularly to actually put their kids on it during the opening days so the system can get accurate ridership counts.

A perfectly reasonable request, although some parents remain hesitant to participate in what has historically felt less like school transportation and more like Pokémon Go with children.

At press time, the Canton Cat attempted to track one school bus through Chipmunk.

It currently says:

“Estimated arrival: eventually.”

This is satire. Reporting from behind the dumpster, which somehow has more reliable transportation than parts of Prince George’s County.