WASHINGTON — Sen. Chris Van Hollen celebrated Labor Day by reminding Americans that unions gave them weekends, 40-hour workweeks, workplace safety, minimum wage, and paid time off — prompting experts to wonder why he stopped the list so early.

According to Angry Insano Man, unions also invented pants, alarm clocks, Wi-Fi, office coffee, the snooze button and the little plastic thing at the end of your shoelace.

“Thank a union,” Van Hollen reportedly yelled at a bewildered man trying to connect to airport Wi-Fi.

Historians immediately updated the record.

The internet? Union.

Electricity? Union.

At-will employment? Somehow union.

Non-compete clauses? Also union, presumably during an awkward meeting nobody wants to discuss.

The wheel? Local 1776.

Fire? Collective bargaining breakthrough.

The Canton Cat has also learned Van Hollen is expected to credit organized labor with inventing modern medical technology, including whatever advanced procedure apparently removed his political testicles and replaced them with a permanently clenched MSNBC chyron.

Labor economists attempted to explain that the history of American workplace protections is considerably more complicated, involving unions, lawmakers, employers, courts, technological change and market competition.

Van Hollen was unavailable for comment because he was reportedly thanking the AFL-CIO for inventing pants.

At press time, Angry Insano Man had issued a correction:

Cats invented weekends.

We simply refuse to work the other five days too.