BRISTOL, CT — ESPN announced Saturday morning that it has fired the entire College GameDay crew and replaced every on-air personality with genetically identical copies of Pat McAfee, completing what network executives described as the inevitable final stage of sports television.

Nothing but Pat McAfee.

Twenty-four hours a day.

Forever.

Viewers tuning in Saturday were initially confused when the camera panned across the GameDay desk and revealed six Pat McAfees sitting beside one another.

One wore a tank top.

One wore a slightly different tank top.

One was standing on the desk.

Another had already removed his chair because chairs represent weakness.

“WE GOT A HUGE SATURDAY TODAY, BOYS!” screamed McAfee No. 3.

“ABSOLUTELY!” screamed McAfee No. 5.

“LET’S GO!” screamed the remaining four simultaneously, causing three televisions in Ohio to explode.

ESPN executives reportedly made the decision after analyzing thousands of hours of programming and discovering that every show was slowly becoming The Pat McAfee Show anyway.

“We asked ourselves why we were still paying different people,” said one executive.

“Different salaries. Different opinions. Different wardrobes.”

“Pat already owns four shirts.”

The cloning program, known internally as Project Broseph, reportedly began beneath ESPN headquarters in Bristol earlier this year.

Scientists started with a single strand of McAfee DNA recovered from a sleeveless hoodie.

Within weeks, they had produced enough Pats to staff GameDay.

The results were immediate.

Rece Davis was replaced by Professional Host Pat.

Kirk Herbstreit was replaced by Football Analysis Pat.

Desmond Howard was replaced by Laughing Pat.

Nick Saban was replaced by Pat Wearing A Suit And Trying Very Hard Not To Stand On The Table.

The guest picker was also Pat McAfee.

The celebrity guest picker?

Also Pat McAfee.

The Oregon Duck mascot briefly removed its head.

Pat McAfee.

Even the giant GameDay crowd behind the desk had been replaced with approximately 3,800 screaming McAfee clones holding signs reading:

WE WANT PAT

MORE PAT

and

WHY IS PAT NOT CURRENTLY TALKING?

ESPN says this is only Phase One.

If ratings improve, network executives plan to replace the entirety of ESPN’s programming lineup.

SportsCenter will become PatCenter.

First Take will feature Pat McAfee arguing with another Pat McAfee while a third Pat McAfee screams that both make excellent points.

Monday Night Football will feature Pat on play-by-play, Pat on analysis, Pat on the sideline, and Pat operating the SkyCam while yelling:

“THIS CAMERA IS ELECTRIC, BOYS!”

ESPN BET will simply be Pat asking viewers:

“YOU FEELIN’ THIS PARLAY OR WHAT?”

Even documentaries will change.

The next 30 for 30:

What If I Told You…

Pat McAfee Was Already Behind You?

Network executives are particularly excited about eliminating commercial breaks.

Instead, McAfee clones will personally advertise every product.

“THIS BURGER IS ABSOLUTELY ELITE.”

“THIS INSURANCE COMPANY IS A DAWG.”

“THESE BLOOD-PRESSURE PILLS ARE BUILT DIFFERENT.”

Federal regulators have reportedly asked ESPN whether exposing Americans to uninterrupted Pat McAfee for more than four consecutive hours could constitute an OSHA violation.

ESPN declined to comment.

Instead, Pat McAfee appeared.

“WHAT’S UP, BOYS?”

At press time, the Canton Cat discovered ESPN’s long-term programming schedule buried inside a dumpster behind network headquarters.

It contained only one line:

6:00 A.M. — PAT McAFEE

6:30 A.M. — PAT McAFEE

7:00 A.M. — PAT McAFEE

7:30 A.M. — PAT McAFEE

Then, extending approximately 400 pages:

PAT McAFEE.

The cat immediately canceled cable.

There are limits to what even nine lives can endure.