NEW YORK — Barstool Sports announced it has launched a 24/7 channel dedicated entirely to Dave Portnoy eating pizza, interrogating pizzeria owners, and saying “one bite, everybody knows the rules” before taking enough additional bites to trigger a congressional inquiry.

The new network will be available through the Barstool app and FOX Nation, finally answering the question:

What if television was just one man, one slice, and absolutely no escape?

Sources say the move is a direct response to ESPN’s rumored plan to flood the airwaves with Pat McAfee clones until every American either starts yelling “BOYS” or throws their television into a lake.

Barstool executives reportedly met for six minutes before deciding:

“Fine. We’ll weaponize pizza.”

The result is ONE BITE 24/7, a network featuring nothing but Portnoy approaching pizzerias like a federal inspector sent by the Department of Crust.

Every episode follows the same gripping format:

Dave arrives.

Dave opens box.

Dave examines undercarriage.

Owner begins sweating.

Dave takes bite.

Dave chews.

Dave stares into the distance like he has just received classified intelligence.

Then:

“7.8.”

Owner’s bloodline is changed forever.

The network’s daily schedule reportedly includes:

6:00 A.M. — WAKE & BAKE: BREAKFAST PIZZA

8:00 A.M. — UNDERCARRIAGE REPORT

10:00 A.M. — OWNER SWEATCAM

12:00 P.M. — ONE BITE LIVE

2:00 P.M. — DAVE ARGUES WITH A MAN NAMED VINNY

4:00 P.M. — EMERGENCY CHEESE PULL

6:00 P.M. — PRIME TIME PIE

9:00 P.M. — ONE BITE AFTER DARK

MIDNIGHT — DAVE REVISITS A 7.6 AND DESTROYS A FAMILY

And at 3:00 A.M.:

PIZZA BOX SECURITY FOOTAGE

Just Dave silently standing outside a closed pizzeria waiting for morning.

FOX Nation subscribers will reportedly receive exclusive premium shows including:

Is This Sauce Too Sweet Or Has America Lost Its Way?

Dave Yells At A Brick Oven

The Owner Said 8.2: A Crime Documentary

and:

CSI: Crust Scene Investigation

where Portnoy examines discarded pepperoni under ultraviolet light while asking whether the pie was “football pizza.”

Industry analysts say the network represents the latest escalation in the sports-media arms race.

ESPN has cloned Pat McAfee.

Barstool has turned Dave Portnoy into a 24-hour pizza surveillance state.

Fox is considering twelve hours of Terry Bradshaw trying to remember what city he’s in.

CBS has locked Jim Nantz in a room with a charcuterie board and a Masters theme.

NBC has reportedly activated Mike Tirico from storage.

Even worse, rumors suggest Barstool is already developing Phase Two:

Portnoy clones.

Each one assigned to a different borough.

One for thin crust.

One for Sicilian.

One for tavern style.

One who only screams:

“TOO FLOPPY.”

Barstool scientists allegedly believe they can achieve full national pizza coverage by 2028.

At that point, no pizzeria owner in America will be more than 15 minutes away from a guy in a jacket holding a slice and potentially destroying their Yelp traffic.

The Canton Cat attempted to watch the new channel for research purposes.

After four hours, I had learned three things:

1. Every pizzeria owner looks like they’re awaiting a parole decision.
2. Dave Portnoy has eaten enough mozzarella to qualify as a dairy futures market.
3. “One bite” is apparently less of a rule and more of a spiritual suggestion.

At press time, ESPN responded by ordering another 400 Pat McAfee clones.

Barstool countered by ordering 600 pizzas.

America remains trapped in the middle.

Covered in cheese.

And screaming.